Failure

Failure is something that I feel regularly... And it is something that I have attributed to not having enough self control.. And I do feel that I should have more self control that I do have at times.. I do have the ability to say no thanks I don't want that- yet I don't and it makes me feel so angry. Tonight I feel angry at myself because we bought chicken, salad and chips for dinner instead of making it once I have finally fixed a fuse that had decided to short out..
Now I do realise that this was an excuse- and I'm not making excuses for my decision, it was a poor one. And thinking about my life, and choices I have made, I have decided that I have made some pretty poor ones in my time. Some because I was young, naive and a bit stupid about things, others because I was lonely; and then there are others that I made because someone else thought it was a good idea.. What an idiot!!

I have come to realise though that what I perceive as failure, is more disappointment in my own actions. I will admit that I have stuffed up from time to time- but if you look at some mistakes that others make it life, it can really put you back into your box and really appreciate what you have, and that perhaps the decision to have take away instead of cooking isn't one that is going to ruin your life, and ruin the lives of others. Lets face it- there are worse things in life for sure!!

Currently I have a lot going on- and I can feel the stress piling up. I have to apply for things, I have to get reports written for my students (which is a task I have never done before and personally, it is a little daunting), I have to continue to plan for the rest of the term so that all of the students needs are being met... It is my nightmare of graduate teaching!! I know this will get better, because it has too. However being in my graduate year of teaching has made me realise a few things. It is ok to make a mistake- as long as you learn from it. For example- I have made the mistake that all my students had prior knowledge of a writing task. That was my mistake- and it is one that comes with little experience. I haven't made that mistake again though. I reflected on my teaching practice, and I learnt from it. As a teacher, I have discovered that if you don't evolve- you get stuck, and that's not something that you want to happen to you!!

I am taking this approach with my weight loss. Now I know Michelle says not to make excuses, that you need to beat the thinking in your head.. And I'm not saying that is wrong- but it will take time. Sometimes we also need to think of the way we say things. Sometimes typing something to another person isn't perceived how you want it to be, and can be taken out of context (seriously who hasn't had this happen to them? Either you have written something that is taken the wrong way OR you have completely blown up about something, that really wasn't a big deal). I have been on both sides of this, and its not a fun place to be in. I have always had the belief that you need to treat and speak to others the way you would want to be spoken too.

It is sad when this doesn't happen in our society, and it really needs to be looked at and reflected on. Lets face it, we all steer our own destiny. Saying something doesn't work because you haven't given it 100% isn't fair... I know I have a long way to go with my weight loss- but I will get there slowly. I need to build up my own confidence with exercise and my eating habits. If I'll be truthful- I'm scared of exercise... When I was 12, my PE teacher picked on myself and another girl, telling us we were too fat and not fit enough. He made us run laps around our school oval- in our own time- he claimed he was trying to help us.. I am scared of exercising.... The other kids made fun of me- I didn't get fitter- I got depressed.. And this started a downwards spiral that has ruled my life ever since. Its going to take me a while to get back up there- but the point is, is that I'm working on it. It might be slow- but I will get there eventually..
If my blog even helps one person realise that by making one choice it doesn't mean failure, it means learning and growing from that choice, then I'm happy.. Even if that person is me!

Revelations!!

Did you know that sometimes even with the best of intentions we still stuff it up...??
Last round I thought I was eating enough calories- turns out I wasn't and there was a good 200 cals I wasn't eating (go figure). So no wonder I wasn't losing weight, I was living in starvation mode!!! So now I can change my menu plans I'm good!! I can add foods- plan my snacks and eat extras if needed and hopefully that does it for me!!!

The illusive box....

Throughout life we discuss this box- whether we intend to or not. As a teacher; we constantly talk about this box. And as an overweight person, we talk about this box too..

THE BOX!!!

Ok so what is this box I am referring to, I hear you asking. It is the box that "everyone" fits into. Now this was crossing my mind because I'm currently teaching in a time were we are doing NAPLAN and other types of assessment to assess our kids at school. What does NAPLAN assess? Nothing. In my opinion it is the most ridiculous test in the world. But I have a reason.
There is the box that the government want all students to fit into. They want to assess what the child knows in 40mins, without any context. This test does not allow for students with learning disabilities, attitude problems, speaking English as a second language. Instead sometimes these students are asked to not participate as opposed to doing the test. I have all sorts of issues with using the same testing for different students. All the students in my class are different and have different needs for their learning. I cannot write a quick note to the government body testing them and say "Excuse me, but Laura Britten didn't do well on this test because she is a slow reader, is slightly behind in her schooling and simply didn't complete this test in the allotted time." They don't care, to them, this child does not fit into the box.

So why do we want to conform society into the box? Everyone is different, with different wants and different needs, yet we are still forcing them into this box. Weight-loss is the same. "Fat" people are stigmatized in the news and in the world as being lazy, uncaring, unhealthy, fast food guzzling,  soft drink chugging, awful human beings. And for those who said "That isn't true..." Have a think about it...

I recently had enormous bowel issues- and was in serious amounts of pain. Now I'm not going to lie and say that I was eating a clean diet at this stage in my life. But I was only having take away once a week, my diet was low on processed foods and I was never a fan of soft drink.

Because of my size, it was suggested by my doctor and a surgeon that my issue was that I was eating highly processed foods, that I needed to cut back on sugary drinks and that I needed to increase the amount of vegetables I was consuming. 

No one believed me when I said I have at least 4 vegetables at dinner time, and that the worst thing I was drinking was milk... They put me into the fat box and I fit its criteria...

Isn't that sad??

The fact is that we are constantly doing this to ourselves, and sometimes we don't realise it.

I tried to fit into the finale bubble last week, and it didn't work out. Oh well!

I don't need a night to celebrate my weight loss, my achievements and other peoples achievements, I can do that elsewhere. 

I recently had a situation where someone who came to stay bought their own food and said that I was still very welcome to cook my own food because she knew I was on a diet..

We need to get away from this stigma that because someone is on a "diet" or someone is losing weight, that their diet ISN'T full of special food, its not something that only the person losing weight can eat, it is just healthy food. I must admit, that those comments really annoyed me. The food that I eat isn't neccessarily different from what others eat. And I hate the statement "Should you be eating that?" << Is it any of your business?? Is it your choice that I am eating something? Don't you think that I can eat one thing without putting back on the 4kgs I've just lost?? 

We need to stop putting ourselves into a box.. I'm not going to be putting myself into the BMI box. I don't believe that BMI is going to tell me anything I don't already know... So I'm not going to be putting myself in it. DONE. And once I lose this weight- that's good on me. But I don't go into a skinny box just because I look different. The only box I'm being put in is the "Laura Jane Britten" box. It is me, it was born on the 28th of October many moons ago- and that is where I belong..

Me, myself and I

Wow it's been a long time....
I feel really disappointed with myself- got off to a great start and then nothing. What is wrong with me!!!

By the end of this round, I really wasn't happy with myself, or my efforts. Who's fault is this....??
Throughout this journey- I have tried not to blame anyone but myself. Because it IS my fault. Its not my partners fault- I still made the choice to go out and buy food rather than cooking it. I made the choice to have the extra at dinner time rather than making the choice

So why is it that other people chose to always try and blame other people??

So who's fault is it really? Why do we make these excuses? I make excuses because I don't want to take the responsibility. Which makes me a little bit of a hypocrite I think as I am constantly telling my students that they need to take responsibility for their actions, so why do I try and get out of it myself? 

I need to learn to talk myself out of my stupid choices- because that's what they are. It is sabotage really. I love myself, I really do, but I hate the way I look. And it's not until I see photos of myself that I think "Wow I look big, but I'm not really that big, I don't look that big in the mirror..." Why don't I look that big in the mirror? Because I see what I want to see, that's why...

So instead of blaming others, I really need to start blaming myself, and owning up to my stupid choices and bloody just do it. 

So where to from here?

I didn't do well in the last round, and got frustrated and gave in when I stopped losing weight. This round that is not happening. I'm sticking to the food plan 100%. I will be making sure I like the food, and have back ups of the food so I can continue to make good choices. The food is my main issue. Although I find it hard to get moving, once I'm down pat with my eating I will be right, I will be getting myself up at 5:30 for either a walk or a work out dvd. Something that gets me moving. 

Now... Finale and the workout! I loved the workout! I really did enjoy it!!! But the rest of the night was a fizzle for me. Maybe because I was expecting more than I got, maybe because everyone had talked about it in a way and I didn't experience it in that way. Would I jump at the opportunity to meet MORE of the wonderful people that inspired me throughout the last round? Yes I would- but I didn't enjoy the other aspect of finale- and as many people will say that that is a negative view to have, I am entitled to not like finale. I would go to another group workout though, I loved it!! I loved sharing that experience with my friend and enjoyed what I did there!

I got the opportunity to meet some of the ladies that I had been talking to this round... But was too scared to go up to some of the women that truly inspired me. Cathy, Kristy, Bella, Maryan- they have done amazing things (Mind you there are many many more ladies who I have seen and read stories about that are truly inspirational). It was as if I was star struck! I wanted to say Hi there, I'm a huge fan. But then thought, pfft as if they want a random coming up to them saying that! So I didn't and I regret it...

So where to from here?? That is the real question. I want to smash this round- I want to lose a heap of weight ready for our family holiday so I look fantastic for it and am smaller than I've ever been as an adult. 

How will I achieve this...?? Will power.. I have to have the willpower to only put planned foods into my mouth. No more chocolate, no more junk food..... NO MORE!! I can and will do this- it will take time but I will do this!