Failure

Failure is something that I feel regularly... And it is something that I have attributed to not having enough self control.. And I do feel that I should have more self control that I do have at times.. I do have the ability to say no thanks I don't want that- yet I don't and it makes me feel so angry. Tonight I feel angry at myself because we bought chicken, salad and chips for dinner instead of making it once I have finally fixed a fuse that had decided to short out..
Now I do realise that this was an excuse- and I'm not making excuses for my decision, it was a poor one. And thinking about my life, and choices I have made, I have decided that I have made some pretty poor ones in my time. Some because I was young, naive and a bit stupid about things, others because I was lonely; and then there are others that I made because someone else thought it was a good idea.. What an idiot!!

I have come to realise though that what I perceive as failure, is more disappointment in my own actions. I will admit that I have stuffed up from time to time- but if you look at some mistakes that others make it life, it can really put you back into your box and really appreciate what you have, and that perhaps the decision to have take away instead of cooking isn't one that is going to ruin your life, and ruin the lives of others. Lets face it- there are worse things in life for sure!!

Currently I have a lot going on- and I can feel the stress piling up. I have to apply for things, I have to get reports written for my students (which is a task I have never done before and personally, it is a little daunting), I have to continue to plan for the rest of the term so that all of the students needs are being met... It is my nightmare of graduate teaching!! I know this will get better, because it has too. However being in my graduate year of teaching has made me realise a few things. It is ok to make a mistake- as long as you learn from it. For example- I have made the mistake that all my students had prior knowledge of a writing task. That was my mistake- and it is one that comes with little experience. I haven't made that mistake again though. I reflected on my teaching practice, and I learnt from it. As a teacher, I have discovered that if you don't evolve- you get stuck, and that's not something that you want to happen to you!!

I am taking this approach with my weight loss. Now I know Michelle says not to make excuses, that you need to beat the thinking in your head.. And I'm not saying that is wrong- but it will take time. Sometimes we also need to think of the way we say things. Sometimes typing something to another person isn't perceived how you want it to be, and can be taken out of context (seriously who hasn't had this happen to them? Either you have written something that is taken the wrong way OR you have completely blown up about something, that really wasn't a big deal). I have been on both sides of this, and its not a fun place to be in. I have always had the belief that you need to treat and speak to others the way you would want to be spoken too.

It is sad when this doesn't happen in our society, and it really needs to be looked at and reflected on. Lets face it, we all steer our own destiny. Saying something doesn't work because you haven't given it 100% isn't fair... I know I have a long way to go with my weight loss- but I will get there slowly. I need to build up my own confidence with exercise and my eating habits. If I'll be truthful- I'm scared of exercise... When I was 12, my PE teacher picked on myself and another girl, telling us we were too fat and not fit enough. He made us run laps around our school oval- in our own time- he claimed he was trying to help us.. I am scared of exercising.... The other kids made fun of me- I didn't get fitter- I got depressed.. And this started a downwards spiral that has ruled my life ever since. Its going to take me a while to get back up there- but the point is, is that I'm working on it. It might be slow- but I will get there eventually..
If my blog even helps one person realise that by making one choice it doesn't mean failure, it means learning and growing from that choice, then I'm happy.. Even if that person is me!

Revelations!!

Did you know that sometimes even with the best of intentions we still stuff it up...??
Last round I thought I was eating enough calories- turns out I wasn't and there was a good 200 cals I wasn't eating (go figure). So no wonder I wasn't losing weight, I was living in starvation mode!!! So now I can change my menu plans I'm good!! I can add foods- plan my snacks and eat extras if needed and hopefully that does it for me!!!

The illusive box....

Throughout life we discuss this box- whether we intend to or not. As a teacher; we constantly talk about this box. And as an overweight person, we talk about this box too..

THE BOX!!!

Ok so what is this box I am referring to, I hear you asking. It is the box that "everyone" fits into. Now this was crossing my mind because I'm currently teaching in a time were we are doing NAPLAN and other types of assessment to assess our kids at school. What does NAPLAN assess? Nothing. In my opinion it is the most ridiculous test in the world. But I have a reason.
There is the box that the government want all students to fit into. They want to assess what the child knows in 40mins, without any context. This test does not allow for students with learning disabilities, attitude problems, speaking English as a second language. Instead sometimes these students are asked to not participate as opposed to doing the test. I have all sorts of issues with using the same testing for different students. All the students in my class are different and have different needs for their learning. I cannot write a quick note to the government body testing them and say "Excuse me, but Laura Britten didn't do well on this test because she is a slow reader, is slightly behind in her schooling and simply didn't complete this test in the allotted time." They don't care, to them, this child does not fit into the box.

So why do we want to conform society into the box? Everyone is different, with different wants and different needs, yet we are still forcing them into this box. Weight-loss is the same. "Fat" people are stigmatized in the news and in the world as being lazy, uncaring, unhealthy, fast food guzzling,  soft drink chugging, awful human beings. And for those who said "That isn't true..." Have a think about it...

I recently had enormous bowel issues- and was in serious amounts of pain. Now I'm not going to lie and say that I was eating a clean diet at this stage in my life. But I was only having take away once a week, my diet was low on processed foods and I was never a fan of soft drink.

Because of my size, it was suggested by my doctor and a surgeon that my issue was that I was eating highly processed foods, that I needed to cut back on sugary drinks and that I needed to increase the amount of vegetables I was consuming. 

No one believed me when I said I have at least 4 vegetables at dinner time, and that the worst thing I was drinking was milk... They put me into the fat box and I fit its criteria...

Isn't that sad??

The fact is that we are constantly doing this to ourselves, and sometimes we don't realise it.

I tried to fit into the finale bubble last week, and it didn't work out. Oh well!

I don't need a night to celebrate my weight loss, my achievements and other peoples achievements, I can do that elsewhere. 

I recently had a situation where someone who came to stay bought their own food and said that I was still very welcome to cook my own food because she knew I was on a diet..

We need to get away from this stigma that because someone is on a "diet" or someone is losing weight, that their diet ISN'T full of special food, its not something that only the person losing weight can eat, it is just healthy food. I must admit, that those comments really annoyed me. The food that I eat isn't neccessarily different from what others eat. And I hate the statement "Should you be eating that?" << Is it any of your business?? Is it your choice that I am eating something? Don't you think that I can eat one thing without putting back on the 4kgs I've just lost?? 

We need to stop putting ourselves into a box.. I'm not going to be putting myself into the BMI box. I don't believe that BMI is going to tell me anything I don't already know... So I'm not going to be putting myself in it. DONE. And once I lose this weight- that's good on me. But I don't go into a skinny box just because I look different. The only box I'm being put in is the "Laura Jane Britten" box. It is me, it was born on the 28th of October many moons ago- and that is where I belong..

Me, myself and I

Wow it's been a long time....
I feel really disappointed with myself- got off to a great start and then nothing. What is wrong with me!!!

By the end of this round, I really wasn't happy with myself, or my efforts. Who's fault is this....??
Throughout this journey- I have tried not to blame anyone but myself. Because it IS my fault. Its not my partners fault- I still made the choice to go out and buy food rather than cooking it. I made the choice to have the extra at dinner time rather than making the choice

So why is it that other people chose to always try and blame other people??

So who's fault is it really? Why do we make these excuses? I make excuses because I don't want to take the responsibility. Which makes me a little bit of a hypocrite I think as I am constantly telling my students that they need to take responsibility for their actions, so why do I try and get out of it myself? 

I need to learn to talk myself out of my stupid choices- because that's what they are. It is sabotage really. I love myself, I really do, but I hate the way I look. And it's not until I see photos of myself that I think "Wow I look big, but I'm not really that big, I don't look that big in the mirror..." Why don't I look that big in the mirror? Because I see what I want to see, that's why...

So instead of blaming others, I really need to start blaming myself, and owning up to my stupid choices and bloody just do it. 

So where to from here?

I didn't do well in the last round, and got frustrated and gave in when I stopped losing weight. This round that is not happening. I'm sticking to the food plan 100%. I will be making sure I like the food, and have back ups of the food so I can continue to make good choices. The food is my main issue. Although I find it hard to get moving, once I'm down pat with my eating I will be right, I will be getting myself up at 5:30 for either a walk or a work out dvd. Something that gets me moving. 

Now... Finale and the workout! I loved the workout! I really did enjoy it!!! But the rest of the night was a fizzle for me. Maybe because I was expecting more than I got, maybe because everyone had talked about it in a way and I didn't experience it in that way. Would I jump at the opportunity to meet MORE of the wonderful people that inspired me throughout the last round? Yes I would- but I didn't enjoy the other aspect of finale- and as many people will say that that is a negative view to have, I am entitled to not like finale. I would go to another group workout though, I loved it!! I loved sharing that experience with my friend and enjoyed what I did there!

I got the opportunity to meet some of the ladies that I had been talking to this round... But was too scared to go up to some of the women that truly inspired me. Cathy, Kristy, Bella, Maryan- they have done amazing things (Mind you there are many many more ladies who I have seen and read stories about that are truly inspirational). It was as if I was star struck! I wanted to say Hi there, I'm a huge fan. But then thought, pfft as if they want a random coming up to them saying that! So I didn't and I regret it...

So where to from here?? That is the real question. I want to smash this round- I want to lose a heap of weight ready for our family holiday so I look fantastic for it and am smaller than I've ever been as an adult. 

How will I achieve this...?? Will power.. I have to have the willpower to only put planned foods into my mouth. No more chocolate, no more junk food..... NO MORE!! I can and will do this- it will take time but I will do this!

Confessions!

Ok sometimes you just need to confess.....

I had a really sugary dessert last night that I didn't have to eat....
Yep I said it...

I also have only done pilates exercise this week....
Lazy!!!

Ok so the pilates I've been doing because my sciatic nerve was pinched last week and it was the only movement that I could do. And I've been doing rotations of lunges and squats... So my movement hasn't been the best, but at least I've been doing something!!!

My eating... Well it was pretty good until last night!! To be honest I was just over it all by last night. Its not an excuse and I definitely understand that. I'm in the middle of packing to move, and am suffering a bit of resistance in the packing.... I'm just over looking at all of our stuff!!!
The thought honestly crossed my mind that we should just burn our house down and replace everything.. Clearly that's not an option so will have to just keep on going!!

I feel just exhausted!!
I made all my lunches for this week- broccoli soup and cupcake quiche... Both quite nice. I will admit that most of the food is really fantastic- which is a huge relief. I find that I do get myself moving when I want to lose weight, its the lack of real knowledge of nutrition while losing weight. I have found it all really helpful...!!

All in all I've had an ok week, but really need to just keep on moving!!!

Real Progress....!!!

At the start of 12WBT, we took our measurements. Now I do know that sometimes you lose heaps of weight but it doesn't show on the scales because you've put on muscle...

Now two weeks in, you don't think- well I must have put on muscle but I've definitely lost weight- it just doesn't work in my mind.

Now, I have felt a bit shit all week because I decided that clearly I was doing so wrong with the program. I felt so horrible. Yesterday I had a win- I wore pants that I had bought last year that fitted me perfectly and had put on too much weight to fit in them. I wore them- all day at work without busting out the arse of them. I even wore them again today just to prove to myself that I had lost weight.
So I did my measurements tonight

11/2 Chest (cm) 125 Waist (cm) 117 Hips (cm) 137 L.Thigh (cm) 72 R.Thigh (cm) 74 L.Arm (cm) 39 R.Arm (cm) 40

22/2 Chest 120cm Waist 113cm Hips 134 L Thigh 70 R Thigh 72 L Arm 39 R Arm 41

Clearly I should learn not to jump the gun- there is a HUGE difference in my body and it is slowly coming off... 5cm is HUGE!!! I'm so proud of myself!!!!

Moral of the story: Don't think you can't when you clearly can!! Who cares how much weight it is, when you are really losing it!!!

Weigh in day....

I suppose in life, we always want to be successful at what we do..

So when you are losing weight, the same goes!

I am feeling deflated and horrible today...

Last week I gained 200g, and everyone was really supportive telling me it was ok, that these things happen.... And then this week losing 1kg I felt good... Until everyone else around me starts pulling 2-4kg losses...

How disheartening....

Now I realise that a loss is a loss- get that, and that at least I'm losing weight. But if it is this hard right now, I'm really going to struggle all year to lose this 40kgs within a year like I wanted to. I at least wanted to lose 15kgs this round, and by the looks of it, 10kgs might be a struggle..

What to do???

Well in the past I would have gone to this

Meh! I won't do that... But I probably will have a pity party in my mind all day until I get home and do some exercise. I'm a bit over our house and packing too. I'm stupid stressed, and everything is going on this week.. I have school photos next week for the first time in 6 years since I finished High School.. And god I'm dreading them.... School photos for kids - get put into your parents photo album and forgotten... School photos for teachers? Whole school photo gets immortalised so basically my fat photo will appear in the school for life! How yuck!

But it will be improved for next year. 

Its not the loss I'm upset about, its my progress. What am I doing wrong? What could I do better?

I just want to grab Michelle Bridges and demand she give me her secrets all at once!!! I do love the program, don't get me wrong. And we have enjoyed all of the meals except one so we are making progress there....

The stress of life has gotten in the way this week, and I just want everything to fix itself so I can move right along on my weight loss journey....

My Inspiration

So I made my inspiration board for my 12WBT Journey. And really it was because it was a weekly task and I had decided when I started this to do ALL of the weekly tasks regardless of how mundane I thought they were...

I liked this challenge as it got me to think about what actually made me tick and why I wanted to choose some of the things I chose.

So I thought I would justify them here on my blog so then I was putting voice to reason... 

(here is a link to my inspiration board on pinterest btw http://pinterest.com/laurajbritten/12wbt-inspiration-board)

**The Taylor Swift quote** 

Now I get it, like the rest of the population, some of Taylor Swifts songs are a bit like *BLAH!* because you know the moment she breaks up with someone she is going to write a new song... 

HOWEVER me getting it is as far as that goes. I like Taylor Swift, and I have a lot of respect for her music. Now I'm not musical at all, but we do have something in common, we process our thoughts by writing them down. The difference is that my readers have the choice as to whether they want to read my ramblings of the week, unlike Taylor's songs that are played on the radio One Million times a day.

"If you're lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everyone else, don't ever change." 

I know I am different from everyone else. And I think about this from an emotional point of view, not a physical. My weight means I am different from my colleagues and friends and I DO want to change that. 

**Sarah McGee**

http://www.12wbt.com/blog/motivation/sarah-mcgees-12wbt-success-story/

I do not know Sarah, nor have I met her. She completely gave me faith that I could do this. I relate to her journey over others because she is a similar age to me, and I really admire her honesty. I have less weight than Sarah to lose, so I honestly believe in myself that I can actually do this now, and I don't have to listen to the inner monologue trying to tell me that I cannot!

**The Abraham Lincoin Quote**

Now I'm not American, and don't have an admiration for Lincoin, but I stumbled across this quote....

"I walk slowly, but I never walk backward."

I loved it. And thought it was so true of a weight loss journey..

A lot of people have said "Oh I couldn't do that" "Oh no losing weight is too hard..." "I share food, and I can't expect others to eat that.."

HELLO!!! It is a lifestyle NOT a diet... I have my doubts of whether I can do it right the whole time. And I would be lying if I said that I am doing it right and will always do it right. I can barely get through a 30min work out at the moment... Does that mean that I am the biggest failure in the world? Does it mean that I have failed myself because I cannot do an intense workout for 1hour or more?? Hello- it makes me human... I am human, and I make mistakes, but I will not go backwards. I will make mistakes, I will have red flag days and yes that might mean I eat something I shouldn't or not do exercise all week because I'm busy. It doesn't make me a failure, it makes me human. And I will keep pressing forward no matter the task!!

**The Scales!!**

The dreaded scales. Although when I weigh myself and the 111.7kgs or 111.9kgs comes up, I'm no longer gutted that I'm so big... I'm no longer gutted as to why it hasn't moved... I just keep on moving. Honestly if I could not weigh myself, I would. I would lose the weight until I liked how I looked and I would go into maintenance mode. I'm not going to be governed every week by the scales, or what they tell me. And I shouldn't have to be, no one should be!!

This is my inspirations.. My inner monologues that have told me to be a positive, polite, beautiful person. And I am a beautiful person, my mother has taught me well. 

If anything I wanna be a snake... The snake that kills an antelope and eats the whole thing whole and says "What of it...???" !!! I want to be amazing, inspiring, and do the things I think I cannot do!!

Getting into it!

It doesn't matter how much preparation you do in life, sometimes life gets in the way of doing things.

And its true, life does get in the way...

4 weeks ago I was sitting on my couch hanging out for the program to start. I was also quietly packing myself as to how we would afford to live. My partner is still looking for work after being injured in the Army, and I was a casual teacher, and who wants a casual teacher at the very start of term. Yes it made me depressed that my bank account would only keep me going until the end of Feb. it was a bit of a low point but the 12wbt was taking over my life and I was preparing for the road ahead...

And then my life happened!
I got offered a job, which I took gratefully. I love being a teacher, sometimes its hard, and the kids push my buttons, but I can joke with them, and laugh with them and learn with them.

Unfortunately while my life was happening, the 12wbt program started and left me behind. Now I'm not going to lie and say that I have been trying to balance the two. I haven't. My career is demanding at the best of times, factor in that I had 18hours notice before I started face to face teaching, and well I'm still playing catch up with my planning :/. I honestly cannot get ahead, there are not enough hours in the day.

Now, my teachers are helpful, but I have to do it myself. Now I have a job, we can move as well, which means I am now playing catch up with my planning, moving, and starting a new weight lose program, ARGH!!

I am committed and I have been following the meal plan. Right now that is the best I can do. I fit in my exercise where I can, have worked out three times this week. It's not the recommended 6- does that mean I'm a failure? Hell no. I am trying, and that is all that matters in my book!

I do struggle to get myself out of bed, and because I started getting sick, I did decide that I would continue to get up at 6 so I didn't put too much stress on my body... Now I am feeling better, I will be happy to get up at 5:30 and do a half hour work out. Ok so its not an hour like it should be, but honestly how much exercise did you do prior to doing this program? Huh?! Be honest, because if I'm honest, the 3 days this week I've done something has been 3 times more than I would have this time last year. Last year I would have been sleeping in as long as possible, getting up, getting ready for the day, and then sitting doing nothing much at all.

My portion sizes were HUGE! My partner and I could eat two whole pizzas between us in one sitting :/ Yikes. Not only were our portions too big for the activity we did, when we did go for a walk, it required a "treat" for doing something.. And honestly who else has done that, we are not the only ones.

Our pantry now looks different... We have less pasta, which we would eat by the kilo, we have NO diet or normal soft drinks. Martin could consume litres every day if I let him. We have lots of cans of beans, I got rid of the instant sauces. Our meals look different too. They are small. They are calorie controlled, and we are full when we eat them!!!

I may not be doing all of it, all of the time. But I am trying and starting to give it a go... And to be honest, it will make for slow losses. Does that mean I'm doing the wrong thing? No. At least I am doing something about my weight loss and am no longer making excuses for the way I look..

I look this way because I over ate as a child, I over ate as a teenager, and I did no exercise. I did no exercise because I couldn't do it well, so I refused to do it, therefore not building up my fitness, not getting any better, and staying down low in the bottom of the hole I had built for myself... None of that was healthy....

I am like this because when I moved out of home, I moved to a city where I could access fast foods more easily, and took advantage of this. I worked at a fast food outlet, didn't help either!

I could easily make excuses, but I won't. I could easily blame others for this, but it wouldn't be fair on them.. This is MY fault- and only I can make the changes to change me. I can't expect people to pick me up and shake me until I'm angrier with them than myself....

I WILL climb mountains, I WILL run- yep I'm making that commitment, I WILL ensure that when I have children, they have healthy looking parents that care about their health....

But like I said, ONLY I can change me... Which means only you can change you. And Are you prepared, scared, pumped, committed enough to do that, or are you making excuses????

Think about it and get back to me!

Slacker!!!

I have been a mega slacker!!! I have been around, but I haven't been blogging...! Why? BECAUSE I GOT A JOB!!! That's right, I managed to get a short-term contract at a school- hopefully continuing until the end of the year!!! It is very exciting, and although I am making mistakes, I am learning from them. It is also so different from the teaching I've been doing in the past...!

My weight loss hasn't stopped or halted. I simply put blogging on the back burner. I have been trying to put all my effort into my teaching. I suppose what I find the most difficult is planning for the future, and really trying to utilize the little resources I have. I am slowly making more, but it is a slow process.

I cannot wait to start my weight loss journey! I did my fitness test and ran my 1km in 8:30mins. What I want to improve on is my dismal effort at the wall sit :/ 8 seconds before I couldn't stand it. Just hurt my back in a weird way and couldn't take the pain.

I really don't know what else to say other than I'm truly excited to start my weightloss journey. I can't describe how excited I am. I WILL be going to finale in May, and I WILL look stunning whatever size I happen to be!

My goals!

So I see my goals in a different category to my commitments. I am committed to losing the weight, I'm committed to making changes to my life. I'm not going to go back on these commitments, even if they take me the next 10 years to achieve...

But I also have goals. I have goals in life. My first goal is to gain full time employment as a teacher so I can inspire the next generation to be whatever they want to be. That is my first goal but it is completely out of my control as to whether that will happen in the next year or the next 10 years!!

My next goal is to get into a size 12! Originally I said a size 14, but I'm a 16-18 now and just wanted to lose a bit of weight. But after seeing all of the inspirational women on the 30 Plus crews site, I am so determined that I can actually achieve more for myself!

Another goal I have is to smash as much weight as I can before May. My dad turns 50 in May, and I'm always the whale in the photo... So I need to smash as much weight off as possible, buy an awesome dress and rock it at the 50th birthday party!

My main goal is to fit into a pretty wedding dress eventually. I'm determined to marry my partner, and to wear a dress that is fitted and not secretly hiding fat underneath...!!

I think if I had been able to do my deb, I would have felt less passionate about this... Even the socially awkward girl in our class did her deb... I didn't because no one wanted to suck it up and do it with the fat girl... So I missed out because of my weight.. I want to be able to celebrate my future with my husband and wear the white dress. Its something little girls dream of!!!

My last goal is to become a mother...

Now I'm not saying I need to do these things in this order, I most certainly do not. But I need to make sure that I can set achievable goals that I can achieve myself. Now these aren't going to happen over night, but they are achievable eventually!

Now I'm off to do my workout, because I need to take my mind off the future and focus on the now. We all make excuses of why we can't achieve our dreams. But it isn't why we can't achieve our dreams, they are excuses as to why we choose not to achieve our dreams. I have always made those excuses. I have always made the excuses as to why I can't exercise. It is 8.22pm right now, and I'm going to get off my bum, and do even just 30mins. As I see it, its better that what I had been doing... And I had been doing bloody nothing and it wasn't good enough!!!

Just breathe!!!

I DWELL ON THINGS!!!

There I said it. And I will admit, I dwell on things until they reach epic proportions and unhealthy levels!!! 

I am slowly learning that not everything is worth my attention, and not everything is worth the amount of time I put into it. And I do put a lot of time into worrying about bloody nothing. 

Does this make a little insane? Yes it possibly does, however at least I can admit it!!

I had a warming moment last night and today. I have two sisters, they are twins and have always been tall and thin and look completely different to me. But I do love them, even though we fight like we use to fight when we were kids. 

Both sisters have seen me start numerous weight loss programs. This time I think I've found a winner. I am engaged, I am motivated (well not now because I'm running on 4 1/2 hours sleep). My sisters both voiced on my facebook page how proud they were of me for doing this... And all I have to say is this, they better share their clothes with me in a few months!!!!

I am looking forward to actually looking like I match my family. I am a misfit, I look a bit out of place when I line up with my family. Mum, Em and Jess are tall and thin. Dad is bigger but not as big as me :/ 

I love my family I do, Mum is in the purple, Jess in green, I'm black, Em in pink and that is dad. We are all wearing stupid masks because that was the theme of my sisters birthday...!!! This is over... My graduation is over.... And I'm fat in all of the pictures. It makes me sad that I avoided pictures during my childhood because I was afraid of what the photos would look like. I lost a heap of weight but still had that mind set...

One photo I hate....

This is my Aunties 50th.... And I am COMMITTED to NOT look like this for my dad's 50th this year... I don't want to have another event where I am remembered as fat......

My commitment is this. I commit to losing 40kgs for as many rounds as it takes. 

I am committed to this goal and will do as much within my power to achieve this..

I commit to be healthy and fit for the rest of my life....

I put it out there... I'm not afraid of anything or anyone. I want to not dwell on things just to be able to deal with them. I want to make sure that I have no more events in my life that have shit photos of me. I am committed to making a difference in my life and be damned to everyone else. 

I love my friends and family, but I don't want to be remembered as the fat lady. I don't want to be the token fat person at a party...

And I don't want to be a fat mother, I don't want my kids to be ashamed of me... Like the kids in What's eating Gilbert Grape... (sorry its just where my mind went!!!)

So that is my commitment to myself... That is my commitment to you, and the world. I will be thin and I will wear clothes that I want to. And I WILL have beautiful photos of my sisters and I with our parents at my dad's 50th in May....!!

To control or not to control??

I have done programs away from the 12WBT. I have done Weight Watchers, appetite suppressors, shakes, the WORKS!!
Here are my issues with the programs that I have done.
Weight Watchers-
1) It is the type of program that I found to be judgy. Your weigh in days were always at stupid times so it was straight after lunch or something so it never gave me a true indication of my weight loss and it varied due to food eaten.
2) I was one of the youngest members in my WW group. I was heavier than most of the other ladies, and felt like they judged my choices. And it was like they judged me. I always felt uncomfortable in meetings, and I struggled to eat my points every day. And when I asked for advice, I didn't get it. So I ate slightly higher cal things which then put my points up. That was judged as well. So I gave up slowly. Even though I had lost a fair bit of weight, I lost it, the will to do something about my weight.
3) I hated having to find the time to go to a meeting, so I signed up online, but there was no support!

I gave up within 6 months. I went back and forth to it, but it didn't work. Not to mention I had great success on the Points system to have it change to pro-points on me.

Appetite Suppressors.
I still have bottles of these floating around! Although I love to have a high water intake, at a school when you have to be in the classroom the whole time, it isn't functional to be wanting to pee in the middle of class. I had to consume huge amounts of water for these to be effective. I found them to be useless for me, I put on weight :(

The Shakes
What overweight person hasn't tried shakes. Raise your hands? I think we all have at some point or another. Its just one of those things we try to see if they work or not...
They don't work and they are not sustainable!!!

If this program doesn't work for me, Jenny Craig here I come! May as well try them all right??

Controlling what goes in and out of your mouth is a seemingly easy task right? You either put things in, or you just don't.

I like having control, but I know when to let go my control.

Others do not know how to let go of their control. Controlling what people post on a social media outlet is censorship. Not allowing members to have the ability to contribute because they haven't is discrimination. As someone who was bullied and censored out of so many conversations and what not. I think support is the key and if we aren't going to be supported, what is the point?

To control or not to control.... that is the question!! Think about what there is to lose and what there is to gain.

Why me?

So I constantly think. I constantly think about my life, about how I have lived it, the things I've done right, the things I've done wrong. And I know, I've done a lifetime of wrong, but I've done right too.
As a kid I always thought, why me? Why am I the one that gets picked on? Why am I the one that gets made fun of? I don't know why I'm bigger than everyone else? I don't know why my teeth are crooked, or why my stomach is bigger, or I'm smarter than you all. I didn't know why... And I didn't know why my teachers wouldn't help me understand. I remember sitting under my bag with my teddy bear (that I had been taking to school for comfort from all of the kids that were making fun of me) and I was crying.. The girls I had been playing barbies with all week told me I wasn't allowed to play with them today. That I didn't look the same way and that I didn't want to play the game exactly their way (which involved me not being involved anyway) so I got upset and went into my own little world and cried. The teachers were told not to ask me what was wrong because I was being dramatic, that I was being a sook and not being a big girl...

I don't think being a "big girl" had anything to do with it. I had been bullied the year before, and when no one would help me deal, I had to find my own ways of dealing. So kids and teachers were very unhelpful throughout primary school. I think this is what contributed to my depression later in life. I was rejected completely by my peers. Entering Year 7, although at the same school, I felt like things had to be different. But they weren't. Within a few hours of the school camp, I was made to feel like shit and didn't want to sleep in the same cabin as the girls I was assigned to because they made fun of me and the clothes I was wearing...

In the essence of getting it out and accepting me I needed to process what was going on. But once again I felt like the teachers didn't support me, so I ended up on my own crying. Which is a big thing with me. I can't articulate what I need to because people don't listen or don't want to listen to me. It is also hard when you have a mother that doesn't want to listen to you. She never wanted to discuss sex or even periods with me. It was embarrassing for her, so she gave me the bare minimum and hoped that I got through it.

My English teachers were aspiring to me. I loved both of them in Year 7. They were the two teachers that supported me and made me believe there was something better to aspire to. Unfortunately that next year, I lost one teacher. She moved on to another school and it was devastating. At this stage I was so rejected by all of my peers, that I literally sat alone... The other girls tried to include me, and I suppose it was sort of keeping your enemies closer move. It was so hard to always be the kid that was rejected, and again I had to ask why me. Why did these girls talk to me like I was their friend and then stab me in the back time and time again. More to the point, why did I let them?

Bullying is a vicious cycle... And sad but true, usually it is the person that is bullied that hangs around the same people because there is no choice. I grew up in a small country town, and there were 36 in my year 7 class. The majority were boys.

Around year 8-year 9, I started cutting myself. Its all a bit fuzzy as it isn't the best part of my life that I want to remember. Now I wasn't cutting myself because I wanted to kill myself, although I will admit I did think about it a lot during my teen years. I cut myself because when you have depression, you have a hole inside you. It eats you up, it consumes your life and all you can think about are the mistakes in life you have made, and how that has affected you. You dwell on the past, and can't see any sort of future. To be honest, sitting here at 23 years old, I honestly didn't know whether I would make it this far. I cut to make the emotional pain real. A cut heals, it bleeds, it scabs over, and then all that is left is a scar, and eventually they fade too. Essentially, that is what I wanted to happen to my pain. I wanted it to be real, I wanted to be able to see it rather than feel it, and then I wanted it to go away...

To people who haven't been there, it sounds insane, just like talking to yourself. And I like to think that I have a major inner monologue that narrates my life. Another girl in our class cut herself for attention, she happily showed off her cuts and talked about how much pain she was in, but that god would help her through it. Gods knows I wanted to slap her and tell her that pretty people like her don't need to cut to get attention. I always hid mine. I always did it somewhere easily hidden. In winter it was easy, cut yourself on your upper arm, done no one can see through a jumper. Summer was a bit difficult, but shorts helped hide the cuts, and there was always your stomach. I never wanted anyone to see how much pain I was in. So I suffered in silence. It didn't matter what I did as a kid, my friends always seemed to leave me. I could want them to be my friends all I wanted but they didn't want to be my friend...!

What a shocking development when my weight wouldn't move. I suppose instead of cutting myself, an eating disorder would have been better. And I did have one, I would eat. I would eat more than I could burn off, and I put on weight. Shock horror right?! I always wanted to know why I couldn't lose the weight, or why I couldn't at least eat something and not have to worry about how it was going to affect me. I took up rowing for a while, but after being looked at by the coach in an undesirable way, and having him yell at your boyfriend, I gave that up..

Oh yes I had boyfriends. I am smart, I do have my plus's. And some people did see that. Although looking back on it now, my first boyfriend that I did lose my V plates to, really wasn't my type. He annoyed me and didn't particularly show affection like you should show your girlfriend.. I found out he was gay! I managed to hook up with another guy (I'm 16 at this stage btw) and found he just used me. But it gave me the attention I wanted, and craved. Someone loved me...

It was the summer of 2006 (oh yes it sounds romantic!!) I met Tom. Tom was a lovely red headed boy, my age, and I liked him because he actually talked to me. He and I shared interested and I was happy to have a lovely friend. Well that soon blossomed into something else. I loved him. I genuinely loved him. He was what I thought a boyfriend should be. I saw him every weekend, one weekend at rowing training, and one weekend we would spend at his mothers house. It was amazing. However he was using me too. And he cheated on me. It gutted me, and all the weight I had lost doing rowing, I put back on through eating... Gutted, I had to see my Dr because talking to my mother was out of the question, and I sort help. For the first time in my life I actually talked through my problems (sort of).

It didn't make me a better person, and it certainly didn't change me over night, but it did change me. I've done stupid things, from here I let boys use me, I had other boyfriends. One boyfriends father called me a slut, and said I wasn't good enough for him; another had no money, no job, was essentially a bum, and  I still have no idea to this day why I was with him... I met Martin when I was in Year 12. And after a quick fling, found out he went back to his ex gf. I was happy to have him as a friend though. And was devastating when I finished school and he had a year left.

Still I was big, and still I asked why me. This sounds so long winded and none of you will probably read this but at least it is out in the open, once and for all. First year of university I met Andrew. Andrew was a pivotal moment in my life. I had been with lots of different men within a short amount of time. I was definitely the class slut. And I couldn't figure out why I had done it until Andrew. Andrew and I had an odd relationship, I thought I wanted to be with him, until a friend hinted he might want to get married. It freaked me out. I loved him, but I didn't love him enough to have a ring on my finger and commit to him forever forever.

After breaking up from Andrew, and hooking up with a guy from work, he chose my ex house mate over me. I didn't let it get to me. It hurt, and it sucked having to work with him. BUT it made me think about my life. I was lucky that my depression hadn't lead me to have a baby. A baby to a random person. I stayed single for 18 months. I got over my shit that had been holding me down emotionally. And I started talking to Martin again. It all seemed so right to be with someone that truly wanted to be with me..

From 2009 to 2012 I transformed myself from someone that let people hold me down. I held a shit job at Hungry Jacks while I put myself through university. It was horrible, I won't sugar coat it. And it lead to me putting on more weight which just made me disappointed in myself more so than anything. I lost a friend before he was 21 because he and his friends got into a car and made a bad choice. It gave me the strength to quit a pack a day smoking habit. Life is too short to dwell on the small things.

Today this is where I am. I'm ok with myself. And I think that's where I needed to be to be able to make a difference. Although Martin and I have our differences, we both love each other and we are both content with each other. I still have my bad days, and think why me, but it is a different why me.
I no longer wonder why I am a large girl, I no longer wonder why I don't have many friends.

I have the people around me because they care about me and want to be around me.
I no longer have friends on facebook who do not talk to me... I don't think having people that are your "friends" as a status symbol is a good thing.

I am large because I haven't been active or looked after myself. I let myself eat crap at hungry jacks, I let myself become lazy.

I am happy with myself now. I now think why me if something doesn't happen that I think should have, and I think that is normal!!!

But I will no longer let people get me down, I will no longer let my weight hold me down. On the 11th of February 2013, my life is going to change... For the better. And if that means letting go of a few more people in my life, so be it... I have lost a friend because of silly choices in a car. I cannot bring Dave back. But I can make sure that I make the most of the life that I still have while I have it, for however long that is.

Tired and over it!!

So I have been super quiet because I just simply couldn't be bothered to write my ramblings down...

So I have been exercising...! Which is a woo regardless of what capacity I am doing it in. Pre-season got me really motivated which was a plus. I'm not right up with the 1hr prescribed exercise that I'm going to have to battle with once 12WBT starts though. Nor is my eating what the program will be. However I have come to terms that I can only do so much by myself, so getting myself prepared is the best thing I can do for myself.

The fact that I am up and moving is the best thing. I may not be burning many calories but at least I'm doing something.

Sweet and short today because I have a headache and need to sleep I think! Night to all!

Pushing through the pain??

Everytime I think of exercise, I think of Year Seven PE. Up til high school, we didn't do much PE, we went out every now and again for a bit of a run around, and to play tag, nothing too serious. There were two PE teachers at our school, one was more understanding than the other... I got the latter for my first year of High School. Being an obese teenager, I was already quite sensitive about my weight. I am however, an extremely strong swimmer so dazzled him with my swimming skills, and got into the district swimming. It was a high point.. Then we started athletics... To those who know me personally, on land I'm like an unco fish that just can't get it right walking, let alone trying to run and coordinate myself enough to do other activities using legs and arms at the same time.
Eek! So anyway basically our PE teacher thought it would be in mine and another girl from my classes best interests to do "extra fitness laps" in our lunches to improve our "fitness". In other words: you girls are fat, and I want to destroy any hope that you could get through high school free of bullying. We were mauled (by words) every lunch time as we ran around in front of our peers. Teenagers can be bloody horrible and we were the centre of all the jokes at high school....

Those memories have scarred me and every time I think of exercise, I think of that. Push through the pain they said, because its worth it in the end. I have since suffered from depression, and these memories continue to haunt me...

So when I had my back pain finally diagnosed, it made me feel like I wasn't a hypochondriac my whole life, and that the pain that held me back all those years was real.

In 2009 I was diagnosed with spina bifida occulta, and in mid 2009 I was diagnosed with arthritis. 2010 I was diagnosed with a bulging disc in my back.

Since finding all this out, I need to be super careful with my back and what I do, I tend to move in the wrong direction and manage to pinch a nerve... Currently my issue. So I will be out for a few days by the looks of it :(

I won't however give into my temptation to waddle down the street and get a block of chocolate. I will be keeping myself far far away from horribly fatty food.... Unfortunately I did get lazy and didn't write down my food like I wanted to :( Whoops. Oh well my food diary is on its way so I can do it manually!
Keep it real

L xx

What's that....? No dessert?!

Ok so nothing to really rant about today, was an ok day. We were without power yesterday, so we went out today and I bought the Michelle Bridge's DVD set. Attempted 15mins of it before nearly collapsing, so did a 1.5km cool down walk. Better than nothing I suppose...
I must admit last night I got bored, and when I'm bored, I bake. And I baked banana and blueberry muffins. Didn't have as much sugar as it asked for, they were delicious and naughty :/

Today I had Cheerios for breakfast, a mushroom and herb omlete (didn't eat it all very proud) and butter chicken with fried rice for dinner. I haven't got snacking down pat yet... I don't know why I can't just snack on something after having calorie counted meals.

Oh well, I suppose it will all change in a few weeks!!! Am very excited to be eating well :D

Challenge Accepted.

Our challenge this week is to write down all the food we consume. Challenge accepted! And to keep me accountable, I'm going to post a food diary of everything that enters my mouth for the day.

Lunch was 2 scrambled eggs with some colby cheese and one piece of soy and linseed toast with some marg on top.
Dinner is two pork sausages, mashed potatoes, corn kernels, broccoli and cauliflower.

I did the bad not having breakfast thing today, mainly because I got up late and honestly wasn't hungry... Will probably pay for that one later. Oh well. Anything else that enters my mouth will be written down in tomorrows blog :)

Super short one today, tired and a bit over the heat today, we were without power, so we melted for around 2 hours :/

Woah the heat!

I keep thinking of that saying, If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.. I suppose it would be helpful if I had somewhere nice and cool to go! Maybe underground???

Yesterday was so hot early on, I couldn't even leave the house. So I did some basic exercise. Today I felt so guilty that I did around 40mins of Zumba and am now feeling good. At the moment I suppose all I can do is start to watch what I'm eating and exercise. I am really looking forward to starting the 12WBT program, and after hearing about the success people have had after doing a couple of rounds, I'm feeling positive.

Only a short entry today, because I'm off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday!!

Goals for round 1

Today I decided to set my goals for round 1. A slightly daunting task but I'm sure I will add more things to it once I get going!!

Goal 1: To walk at least 5kms without getting puffed.
Goal 2: To jog/run for the first time since high school (year 10!!)
Goal 3: To go on a 6+km bike ride
Goal 4: To be able to do a proper push up (on my toes!)
Goal 5: ??

Well that's all I have.
I'm not entirely sure what to expect with this program, but I am hoping that whatever happens, whatever it brings, it will be positive. I will be adding more, but my main motivation really is so I feel better about myself.

I think that's what really undoes me every time I try and lose weight. I concentrate on impressing others, getting their approval, and trying to look good for them rather than myself. This time is for me, and me only!
I want to have a pain free winter with stronger back muscles to support my spine and hopefully relieve the pressure on it due to my arthritis! Fingers crossed for me!!!

L xx

What I won't miss....!!

I posed a question to myself last night, what I won't miss once I have lost all the weight that I want to lose..?
My answer: Pants that do not fit.
I hate clothes, I hate shopping for clothes, I hate the importance we put on clothes. I also hate bra shopping but that is a different story!!
The main issue I have had to fight with my whole life are big hips, and pants that just don't look nice over my stomach. And I constantly wonder where people buy their clothes. I have had the compulsion on more than one occasion (which I'm sure you all have at some point or another) to grab a person and ask them where on earth they bought their pretty looking, well fitting clothes..
I cannot wait until I can go into a store and know that something in there will actually fit.
I really have never understood why there isn't more consistency in sizes across the fashion industry. At Target I can wear anything from a 16 to a 20 something in their clothes, and even then things don't fit. Consistently I am an 18 at K-mart, and depending on the style can range from a 14 to 18 at Autograph. Why is it that regardless of store, you can be 4 different sizes all at once. It seems ridiculous!!!

End of rant.

I think regardless my mind set is changing and I am no longer looking at food as a thing for enjoyment, rather as fuel for your body. Because lets face it, that is what food is!!!

Feeling.... iffy?

I'm not so sure how I feel today. I must admit that yesterday I was uber hungry and had a few biscuits because they were just there...
Even after eating these, I wasn't over my calorie intake by much, 150 extra calories. Considering 1200 is my goal and I have cut my calorie intake way down, I would say that is a pretty successful day.
What really needs to happen though is that all that gross food needs to be thrown right out so I'm not tempted to eat it.

But I feel that I am growing as a person to actually recognise that. And that might mean that I will be successful in my weight loss journey.

A walk tonight will hopefully make me feel a bit better and a nice dinner!

The Beginning...

I guess starting is the first step...
Although who hasn't taken those first steps a million times before. Your first steps ever, your first steps to kinder, to school, to university. And you take metaphorical steps too, the first steps to quit smoking, the first steps to improving your life.
I have taken many first steps in my lifetime, and I'm only 23. It took me 8 times to quit smoking for good. Like they say, every time you quit, it is for a little bit longer. The same goes for weight loss. You really have to want to do it. Although I have been committed in the past, there are always those "get out of jail free"days where you decide its ok to eat a whole lot of stuff from McDonalds, or its ok to put off the diet for just one day.
Even from what I know about nutrition and teaching the kids at school that I teach, in the back of your mind there are always those thoughts that you cannot commit to such a thing.

I will admit, I have had success in the past. I managed to lose almost 20kgs doing weight watchers. And although I was successful for a while, it was my birthday, and christmas, and new years and everything else that is a hurdle to get over that threw me down. I felt fantastic, but counting calories or points is just too difficult.

I think we all believe we are doing the right things, even when we're not. So I know this time I am doing the right thing, 12 Week Body Transformation- Michelle Bridges. Hopefully this change will change me for the better. I need a better change, I need to change myself for the better. At 114kgs I have no hope of keeping up with the kids I teach. I dread doing PE with the kids.

So this is my journey, my thoughts, my ravings, my opinions and my progress. Comment if you wish, I want to write my thoughts and progress down so I can see how I change, progress and transform over the next 12 weeks and beyond..