My goals!

So I see my goals in a different category to my commitments. I am committed to losing the weight, I'm committed to making changes to my life. I'm not going to go back on these commitments, even if they take me the next 10 years to achieve...

But I also have goals. I have goals in life. My first goal is to gain full time employment as a teacher so I can inspire the next generation to be whatever they want to be. That is my first goal but it is completely out of my control as to whether that will happen in the next year or the next 10 years!!

My next goal is to get into a size 12! Originally I said a size 14, but I'm a 16-18 now and just wanted to lose a bit of weight. But after seeing all of the inspirational women on the 30 Plus crews site, I am so determined that I can actually achieve more for myself!

Another goal I have is to smash as much weight as I can before May. My dad turns 50 in May, and I'm always the whale in the photo... So I need to smash as much weight off as possible, buy an awesome dress and rock it at the 50th birthday party!

My main goal is to fit into a pretty wedding dress eventually. I'm determined to marry my partner, and to wear a dress that is fitted and not secretly hiding fat underneath...!!

I think if I had been able to do my deb, I would have felt less passionate about this... Even the socially awkward girl in our class did her deb... I didn't because no one wanted to suck it up and do it with the fat girl... So I missed out because of my weight.. I want to be able to celebrate my future with my husband and wear the white dress. Its something little girls dream of!!!

My last goal is to become a mother...

Now I'm not saying I need to do these things in this order, I most certainly do not. But I need to make sure that I can set achievable goals that I can achieve myself. Now these aren't going to happen over night, but they are achievable eventually!

Now I'm off to do my workout, because I need to take my mind off the future and focus on the now. We all make excuses of why we can't achieve our dreams. But it isn't why we can't achieve our dreams, they are excuses as to why we choose not to achieve our dreams. I have always made those excuses. I have always made the excuses as to why I can't exercise. It is 8.22pm right now, and I'm going to get off my bum, and do even just 30mins. As I see it, its better that what I had been doing... And I had been doing bloody nothing and it wasn't good enough!!!

Just breathe!!!

I DWELL ON THINGS!!!

There I said it. And I will admit, I dwell on things until they reach epic proportions and unhealthy levels!!! 

I am slowly learning that not everything is worth my attention, and not everything is worth the amount of time I put into it. And I do put a lot of time into worrying about bloody nothing. 

Does this make a little insane? Yes it possibly does, however at least I can admit it!!

I had a warming moment last night and today. I have two sisters, they are twins and have always been tall and thin and look completely different to me. But I do love them, even though we fight like we use to fight when we were kids. 

Both sisters have seen me start numerous weight loss programs. This time I think I've found a winner. I am engaged, I am motivated (well not now because I'm running on 4 1/2 hours sleep). My sisters both voiced on my facebook page how proud they were of me for doing this... And all I have to say is this, they better share their clothes with me in a few months!!!!

I am looking forward to actually looking like I match my family. I am a misfit, I look a bit out of place when I line up with my family. Mum, Em and Jess are tall and thin. Dad is bigger but not as big as me :/ 

I love my family I do, Mum is in the purple, Jess in green, I'm black, Em in pink and that is dad. We are all wearing stupid masks because that was the theme of my sisters birthday...!!! This is over... My graduation is over.... And I'm fat in all of the pictures. It makes me sad that I avoided pictures during my childhood because I was afraid of what the photos would look like. I lost a heap of weight but still had that mind set...

One photo I hate....

This is my Aunties 50th.... And I am COMMITTED to NOT look like this for my dad's 50th this year... I don't want to have another event where I am remembered as fat......

My commitment is this. I commit to losing 40kgs for as many rounds as it takes. 

I am committed to this goal and will do as much within my power to achieve this..

I commit to be healthy and fit for the rest of my life....

I put it out there... I'm not afraid of anything or anyone. I want to not dwell on things just to be able to deal with them. I want to make sure that I have no more events in my life that have shit photos of me. I am committed to making a difference in my life and be damned to everyone else. 

I love my friends and family, but I don't want to be remembered as the fat lady. I don't want to be the token fat person at a party...

And I don't want to be a fat mother, I don't want my kids to be ashamed of me... Like the kids in What's eating Gilbert Grape... (sorry its just where my mind went!!!)

So that is my commitment to myself... That is my commitment to you, and the world. I will be thin and I will wear clothes that I want to. And I WILL have beautiful photos of my sisters and I with our parents at my dad's 50th in May....!!

To control or not to control??

I have done programs away from the 12WBT. I have done Weight Watchers, appetite suppressors, shakes, the WORKS!!
Here are my issues with the programs that I have done.
Weight Watchers-
1) It is the type of program that I found to be judgy. Your weigh in days were always at stupid times so it was straight after lunch or something so it never gave me a true indication of my weight loss and it varied due to food eaten.
2) I was one of the youngest members in my WW group. I was heavier than most of the other ladies, and felt like they judged my choices. And it was like they judged me. I always felt uncomfortable in meetings, and I struggled to eat my points every day. And when I asked for advice, I didn't get it. So I ate slightly higher cal things which then put my points up. That was judged as well. So I gave up slowly. Even though I had lost a fair bit of weight, I lost it, the will to do something about my weight.
3) I hated having to find the time to go to a meeting, so I signed up online, but there was no support!

I gave up within 6 months. I went back and forth to it, but it didn't work. Not to mention I had great success on the Points system to have it change to pro-points on me.

Appetite Suppressors.
I still have bottles of these floating around! Although I love to have a high water intake, at a school when you have to be in the classroom the whole time, it isn't functional to be wanting to pee in the middle of class. I had to consume huge amounts of water for these to be effective. I found them to be useless for me, I put on weight :(

The Shakes
What overweight person hasn't tried shakes. Raise your hands? I think we all have at some point or another. Its just one of those things we try to see if they work or not...
They don't work and they are not sustainable!!!

If this program doesn't work for me, Jenny Craig here I come! May as well try them all right??

Controlling what goes in and out of your mouth is a seemingly easy task right? You either put things in, or you just don't.

I like having control, but I know when to let go my control.

Others do not know how to let go of their control. Controlling what people post on a social media outlet is censorship. Not allowing members to have the ability to contribute because they haven't is discrimination. As someone who was bullied and censored out of so many conversations and what not. I think support is the key and if we aren't going to be supported, what is the point?

To control or not to control.... that is the question!! Think about what there is to lose and what there is to gain.

Why me?

So I constantly think. I constantly think about my life, about how I have lived it, the things I've done right, the things I've done wrong. And I know, I've done a lifetime of wrong, but I've done right too.
As a kid I always thought, why me? Why am I the one that gets picked on? Why am I the one that gets made fun of? I don't know why I'm bigger than everyone else? I don't know why my teeth are crooked, or why my stomach is bigger, or I'm smarter than you all. I didn't know why... And I didn't know why my teachers wouldn't help me understand. I remember sitting under my bag with my teddy bear (that I had been taking to school for comfort from all of the kids that were making fun of me) and I was crying.. The girls I had been playing barbies with all week told me I wasn't allowed to play with them today. That I didn't look the same way and that I didn't want to play the game exactly their way (which involved me not being involved anyway) so I got upset and went into my own little world and cried. The teachers were told not to ask me what was wrong because I was being dramatic, that I was being a sook and not being a big girl...

I don't think being a "big girl" had anything to do with it. I had been bullied the year before, and when no one would help me deal, I had to find my own ways of dealing. So kids and teachers were very unhelpful throughout primary school. I think this is what contributed to my depression later in life. I was rejected completely by my peers. Entering Year 7, although at the same school, I felt like things had to be different. But they weren't. Within a few hours of the school camp, I was made to feel like shit and didn't want to sleep in the same cabin as the girls I was assigned to because they made fun of me and the clothes I was wearing...

In the essence of getting it out and accepting me I needed to process what was going on. But once again I felt like the teachers didn't support me, so I ended up on my own crying. Which is a big thing with me. I can't articulate what I need to because people don't listen or don't want to listen to me. It is also hard when you have a mother that doesn't want to listen to you. She never wanted to discuss sex or even periods with me. It was embarrassing for her, so she gave me the bare minimum and hoped that I got through it.

My English teachers were aspiring to me. I loved both of them in Year 7. They were the two teachers that supported me and made me believe there was something better to aspire to. Unfortunately that next year, I lost one teacher. She moved on to another school and it was devastating. At this stage I was so rejected by all of my peers, that I literally sat alone... The other girls tried to include me, and I suppose it was sort of keeping your enemies closer move. It was so hard to always be the kid that was rejected, and again I had to ask why me. Why did these girls talk to me like I was their friend and then stab me in the back time and time again. More to the point, why did I let them?

Bullying is a vicious cycle... And sad but true, usually it is the person that is bullied that hangs around the same people because there is no choice. I grew up in a small country town, and there were 36 in my year 7 class. The majority were boys.

Around year 8-year 9, I started cutting myself. Its all a bit fuzzy as it isn't the best part of my life that I want to remember. Now I wasn't cutting myself because I wanted to kill myself, although I will admit I did think about it a lot during my teen years. I cut myself because when you have depression, you have a hole inside you. It eats you up, it consumes your life and all you can think about are the mistakes in life you have made, and how that has affected you. You dwell on the past, and can't see any sort of future. To be honest, sitting here at 23 years old, I honestly didn't know whether I would make it this far. I cut to make the emotional pain real. A cut heals, it bleeds, it scabs over, and then all that is left is a scar, and eventually they fade too. Essentially, that is what I wanted to happen to my pain. I wanted it to be real, I wanted to be able to see it rather than feel it, and then I wanted it to go away...

To people who haven't been there, it sounds insane, just like talking to yourself. And I like to think that I have a major inner monologue that narrates my life. Another girl in our class cut herself for attention, she happily showed off her cuts and talked about how much pain she was in, but that god would help her through it. Gods knows I wanted to slap her and tell her that pretty people like her don't need to cut to get attention. I always hid mine. I always did it somewhere easily hidden. In winter it was easy, cut yourself on your upper arm, done no one can see through a jumper. Summer was a bit difficult, but shorts helped hide the cuts, and there was always your stomach. I never wanted anyone to see how much pain I was in. So I suffered in silence. It didn't matter what I did as a kid, my friends always seemed to leave me. I could want them to be my friends all I wanted but they didn't want to be my friend...!

What a shocking development when my weight wouldn't move. I suppose instead of cutting myself, an eating disorder would have been better. And I did have one, I would eat. I would eat more than I could burn off, and I put on weight. Shock horror right?! I always wanted to know why I couldn't lose the weight, or why I couldn't at least eat something and not have to worry about how it was going to affect me. I took up rowing for a while, but after being looked at by the coach in an undesirable way, and having him yell at your boyfriend, I gave that up..

Oh yes I had boyfriends. I am smart, I do have my plus's. And some people did see that. Although looking back on it now, my first boyfriend that I did lose my V plates to, really wasn't my type. He annoyed me and didn't particularly show affection like you should show your girlfriend.. I found out he was gay! I managed to hook up with another guy (I'm 16 at this stage btw) and found he just used me. But it gave me the attention I wanted, and craved. Someone loved me...

It was the summer of 2006 (oh yes it sounds romantic!!) I met Tom. Tom was a lovely red headed boy, my age, and I liked him because he actually talked to me. He and I shared interested and I was happy to have a lovely friend. Well that soon blossomed into something else. I loved him. I genuinely loved him. He was what I thought a boyfriend should be. I saw him every weekend, one weekend at rowing training, and one weekend we would spend at his mothers house. It was amazing. However he was using me too. And he cheated on me. It gutted me, and all the weight I had lost doing rowing, I put back on through eating... Gutted, I had to see my Dr because talking to my mother was out of the question, and I sort help. For the first time in my life I actually talked through my problems (sort of).

It didn't make me a better person, and it certainly didn't change me over night, but it did change me. I've done stupid things, from here I let boys use me, I had other boyfriends. One boyfriends father called me a slut, and said I wasn't good enough for him; another had no money, no job, was essentially a bum, and  I still have no idea to this day why I was with him... I met Martin when I was in Year 12. And after a quick fling, found out he went back to his ex gf. I was happy to have him as a friend though. And was devastating when I finished school and he had a year left.

Still I was big, and still I asked why me. This sounds so long winded and none of you will probably read this but at least it is out in the open, once and for all. First year of university I met Andrew. Andrew was a pivotal moment in my life. I had been with lots of different men within a short amount of time. I was definitely the class slut. And I couldn't figure out why I had done it until Andrew. Andrew and I had an odd relationship, I thought I wanted to be with him, until a friend hinted he might want to get married. It freaked me out. I loved him, but I didn't love him enough to have a ring on my finger and commit to him forever forever.

After breaking up from Andrew, and hooking up with a guy from work, he chose my ex house mate over me. I didn't let it get to me. It hurt, and it sucked having to work with him. BUT it made me think about my life. I was lucky that my depression hadn't lead me to have a baby. A baby to a random person. I stayed single for 18 months. I got over my shit that had been holding me down emotionally. And I started talking to Martin again. It all seemed so right to be with someone that truly wanted to be with me..

From 2009 to 2012 I transformed myself from someone that let people hold me down. I held a shit job at Hungry Jacks while I put myself through university. It was horrible, I won't sugar coat it. And it lead to me putting on more weight which just made me disappointed in myself more so than anything. I lost a friend before he was 21 because he and his friends got into a car and made a bad choice. It gave me the strength to quit a pack a day smoking habit. Life is too short to dwell on the small things.

Today this is where I am. I'm ok with myself. And I think that's where I needed to be to be able to make a difference. Although Martin and I have our differences, we both love each other and we are both content with each other. I still have my bad days, and think why me, but it is a different why me.
I no longer wonder why I am a large girl, I no longer wonder why I don't have many friends.

I have the people around me because they care about me and want to be around me.
I no longer have friends on facebook who do not talk to me... I don't think having people that are your "friends" as a status symbol is a good thing.

I am large because I haven't been active or looked after myself. I let myself eat crap at hungry jacks, I let myself become lazy.

I am happy with myself now. I now think why me if something doesn't happen that I think should have, and I think that is normal!!!

But I will no longer let people get me down, I will no longer let my weight hold me down. On the 11th of February 2013, my life is going to change... For the better. And if that means letting go of a few more people in my life, so be it... I have lost a friend because of silly choices in a car. I cannot bring Dave back. But I can make sure that I make the most of the life that I still have while I have it, for however long that is.

Tired and over it!!

So I have been super quiet because I just simply couldn't be bothered to write my ramblings down...

So I have been exercising...! Which is a woo regardless of what capacity I am doing it in. Pre-season got me really motivated which was a plus. I'm not right up with the 1hr prescribed exercise that I'm going to have to battle with once 12WBT starts though. Nor is my eating what the program will be. However I have come to terms that I can only do so much by myself, so getting myself prepared is the best thing I can do for myself.

The fact that I am up and moving is the best thing. I may not be burning many calories but at least I'm doing something.

Sweet and short today because I have a headache and need to sleep I think! Night to all!

Pushing through the pain??

Everytime I think of exercise, I think of Year Seven PE. Up til high school, we didn't do much PE, we went out every now and again for a bit of a run around, and to play tag, nothing too serious. There were two PE teachers at our school, one was more understanding than the other... I got the latter for my first year of High School. Being an obese teenager, I was already quite sensitive about my weight. I am however, an extremely strong swimmer so dazzled him with my swimming skills, and got into the district swimming. It was a high point.. Then we started athletics... To those who know me personally, on land I'm like an unco fish that just can't get it right walking, let alone trying to run and coordinate myself enough to do other activities using legs and arms at the same time.
Eek! So anyway basically our PE teacher thought it would be in mine and another girl from my classes best interests to do "extra fitness laps" in our lunches to improve our "fitness". In other words: you girls are fat, and I want to destroy any hope that you could get through high school free of bullying. We were mauled (by words) every lunch time as we ran around in front of our peers. Teenagers can be bloody horrible and we were the centre of all the jokes at high school....

Those memories have scarred me and every time I think of exercise, I think of that. Push through the pain they said, because its worth it in the end. I have since suffered from depression, and these memories continue to haunt me...

So when I had my back pain finally diagnosed, it made me feel like I wasn't a hypochondriac my whole life, and that the pain that held me back all those years was real.

In 2009 I was diagnosed with spina bifida occulta, and in mid 2009 I was diagnosed with arthritis. 2010 I was diagnosed with a bulging disc in my back.

Since finding all this out, I need to be super careful with my back and what I do, I tend to move in the wrong direction and manage to pinch a nerve... Currently my issue. So I will be out for a few days by the looks of it :(

I won't however give into my temptation to waddle down the street and get a block of chocolate. I will be keeping myself far far away from horribly fatty food.... Unfortunately I did get lazy and didn't write down my food like I wanted to :( Whoops. Oh well my food diary is on its way so I can do it manually!
Keep it real

L xx

What's that....? No dessert?!

Ok so nothing to really rant about today, was an ok day. We were without power yesterday, so we went out today and I bought the Michelle Bridge's DVD set. Attempted 15mins of it before nearly collapsing, so did a 1.5km cool down walk. Better than nothing I suppose...
I must admit last night I got bored, and when I'm bored, I bake. And I baked banana and blueberry muffins. Didn't have as much sugar as it asked for, they were delicious and naughty :/

Today I had Cheerios for breakfast, a mushroom and herb omlete (didn't eat it all very proud) and butter chicken with fried rice for dinner. I haven't got snacking down pat yet... I don't know why I can't just snack on something after having calorie counted meals.

Oh well, I suppose it will all change in a few weeks!!! Am very excited to be eating well :D

Challenge Accepted.

Our challenge this week is to write down all the food we consume. Challenge accepted! And to keep me accountable, I'm going to post a food diary of everything that enters my mouth for the day.

Lunch was 2 scrambled eggs with some colby cheese and one piece of soy and linseed toast with some marg on top.
Dinner is two pork sausages, mashed potatoes, corn kernels, broccoli and cauliflower.

I did the bad not having breakfast thing today, mainly because I got up late and honestly wasn't hungry... Will probably pay for that one later. Oh well. Anything else that enters my mouth will be written down in tomorrows blog :)

Super short one today, tired and a bit over the heat today, we were without power, so we melted for around 2 hours :/

Woah the heat!

I keep thinking of that saying, If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.. I suppose it would be helpful if I had somewhere nice and cool to go! Maybe underground???

Yesterday was so hot early on, I couldn't even leave the house. So I did some basic exercise. Today I felt so guilty that I did around 40mins of Zumba and am now feeling good. At the moment I suppose all I can do is start to watch what I'm eating and exercise. I am really looking forward to starting the 12WBT program, and after hearing about the success people have had after doing a couple of rounds, I'm feeling positive.

Only a short entry today, because I'm off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday!!

Goals for round 1

Today I decided to set my goals for round 1. A slightly daunting task but I'm sure I will add more things to it once I get going!!

Goal 1: To walk at least 5kms without getting puffed.
Goal 2: To jog/run for the first time since high school (year 10!!)
Goal 3: To go on a 6+km bike ride
Goal 4: To be able to do a proper push up (on my toes!)
Goal 5: ??

Well that's all I have.
I'm not entirely sure what to expect with this program, but I am hoping that whatever happens, whatever it brings, it will be positive. I will be adding more, but my main motivation really is so I feel better about myself.

I think that's what really undoes me every time I try and lose weight. I concentrate on impressing others, getting their approval, and trying to look good for them rather than myself. This time is for me, and me only!
I want to have a pain free winter with stronger back muscles to support my spine and hopefully relieve the pressure on it due to my arthritis! Fingers crossed for me!!!

L xx

What I won't miss....!!

I posed a question to myself last night, what I won't miss once I have lost all the weight that I want to lose..?
My answer: Pants that do not fit.
I hate clothes, I hate shopping for clothes, I hate the importance we put on clothes. I also hate bra shopping but that is a different story!!
The main issue I have had to fight with my whole life are big hips, and pants that just don't look nice over my stomach. And I constantly wonder where people buy their clothes. I have had the compulsion on more than one occasion (which I'm sure you all have at some point or another) to grab a person and ask them where on earth they bought their pretty looking, well fitting clothes..
I cannot wait until I can go into a store and know that something in there will actually fit.
I really have never understood why there isn't more consistency in sizes across the fashion industry. At Target I can wear anything from a 16 to a 20 something in their clothes, and even then things don't fit. Consistently I am an 18 at K-mart, and depending on the style can range from a 14 to 18 at Autograph. Why is it that regardless of store, you can be 4 different sizes all at once. It seems ridiculous!!!

End of rant.

I think regardless my mind set is changing and I am no longer looking at food as a thing for enjoyment, rather as fuel for your body. Because lets face it, that is what food is!!!

Feeling.... iffy?

I'm not so sure how I feel today. I must admit that yesterday I was uber hungry and had a few biscuits because they were just there...
Even after eating these, I wasn't over my calorie intake by much, 150 extra calories. Considering 1200 is my goal and I have cut my calorie intake way down, I would say that is a pretty successful day.
What really needs to happen though is that all that gross food needs to be thrown right out so I'm not tempted to eat it.

But I feel that I am growing as a person to actually recognise that. And that might mean that I will be successful in my weight loss journey.

A walk tonight will hopefully make me feel a bit better and a nice dinner!

The Beginning...

I guess starting is the first step...
Although who hasn't taken those first steps a million times before. Your first steps ever, your first steps to kinder, to school, to university. And you take metaphorical steps too, the first steps to quit smoking, the first steps to improving your life.
I have taken many first steps in my lifetime, and I'm only 23. It took me 8 times to quit smoking for good. Like they say, every time you quit, it is for a little bit longer. The same goes for weight loss. You really have to want to do it. Although I have been committed in the past, there are always those "get out of jail free"days where you decide its ok to eat a whole lot of stuff from McDonalds, or its ok to put off the diet for just one day.
Even from what I know about nutrition and teaching the kids at school that I teach, in the back of your mind there are always those thoughts that you cannot commit to such a thing.

I will admit, I have had success in the past. I managed to lose almost 20kgs doing weight watchers. And although I was successful for a while, it was my birthday, and christmas, and new years and everything else that is a hurdle to get over that threw me down. I felt fantastic, but counting calories or points is just too difficult.

I think we all believe we are doing the right things, even when we're not. So I know this time I am doing the right thing, 12 Week Body Transformation- Michelle Bridges. Hopefully this change will change me for the better. I need a better change, I need to change myself for the better. At 114kgs I have no hope of keeping up with the kids I teach. I dread doing PE with the kids.

So this is my journey, my thoughts, my ravings, my opinions and my progress. Comment if you wish, I want to write my thoughts and progress down so I can see how I change, progress and transform over the next 12 weeks and beyond..