Failure

Failure is something that I feel regularly... And it is something that I have attributed to not having enough self control.. And I do feel that I should have more self control that I do have at times.. I do have the ability to say no thanks I don't want that- yet I don't and it makes me feel so angry. Tonight I feel angry at myself because we bought chicken, salad and chips for dinner instead of making it once I have finally fixed a fuse that had decided to short out..
Now I do realise that this was an excuse- and I'm not making excuses for my decision, it was a poor one. And thinking about my life, and choices I have made, I have decided that I have made some pretty poor ones in my time. Some because I was young, naive and a bit stupid about things, others because I was lonely; and then there are others that I made because someone else thought it was a good idea.. What an idiot!!

I have come to realise though that what I perceive as failure, is more disappointment in my own actions. I will admit that I have stuffed up from time to time- but if you look at some mistakes that others make it life, it can really put you back into your box and really appreciate what you have, and that perhaps the decision to have take away instead of cooking isn't one that is going to ruin your life, and ruin the lives of others. Lets face it- there are worse things in life for sure!!

Currently I have a lot going on- and I can feel the stress piling up. I have to apply for things, I have to get reports written for my students (which is a task I have never done before and personally, it is a little daunting), I have to continue to plan for the rest of the term so that all of the students needs are being met... It is my nightmare of graduate teaching!! I know this will get better, because it has too. However being in my graduate year of teaching has made me realise a few things. It is ok to make a mistake- as long as you learn from it. For example- I have made the mistake that all my students had prior knowledge of a writing task. That was my mistake- and it is one that comes with little experience. I haven't made that mistake again though. I reflected on my teaching practice, and I learnt from it. As a teacher, I have discovered that if you don't evolve- you get stuck, and that's not something that you want to happen to you!!

I am taking this approach with my weight loss. Now I know Michelle says not to make excuses, that you need to beat the thinking in your head.. And I'm not saying that is wrong- but it will take time. Sometimes we also need to think of the way we say things. Sometimes typing something to another person isn't perceived how you want it to be, and can be taken out of context (seriously who hasn't had this happen to them? Either you have written something that is taken the wrong way OR you have completely blown up about something, that really wasn't a big deal). I have been on both sides of this, and its not a fun place to be in. I have always had the belief that you need to treat and speak to others the way you would want to be spoken too.

It is sad when this doesn't happen in our society, and it really needs to be looked at and reflected on. Lets face it, we all steer our own destiny. Saying something doesn't work because you haven't given it 100% isn't fair... I know I have a long way to go with my weight loss- but I will get there slowly. I need to build up my own confidence with exercise and my eating habits. If I'll be truthful- I'm scared of exercise... When I was 12, my PE teacher picked on myself and another girl, telling us we were too fat and not fit enough. He made us run laps around our school oval- in our own time- he claimed he was trying to help us.. I am scared of exercising.... The other kids made fun of me- I didn't get fitter- I got depressed.. And this started a downwards spiral that has ruled my life ever since. Its going to take me a while to get back up there- but the point is, is that I'm working on it. It might be slow- but I will get there eventually..
If my blog even helps one person realise that by making one choice it doesn't mean failure, it means learning and growing from that choice, then I'm happy.. Even if that person is me!